yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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