I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
