I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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