her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
