Jerry, you need to find god
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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