My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
