There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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