I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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