This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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