It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's blow job season.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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