So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
