I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
