If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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