i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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