Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
