There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
