Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
