In the future we'll all be gay
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
