Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
