I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Oh god it's open bar.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
