My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
