two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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