You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
