I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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