yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
