You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
