You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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