I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize