Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
