Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
