It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
