There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
