People in love make me want to vomit
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize