what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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