I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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