it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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