My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
