I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
