Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
