If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
