Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
