I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
