I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
