OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
