Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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