He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
