You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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