ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
