at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
