1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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