Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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