Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
