You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Boobs are out for the taking
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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