I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Randomize
