She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
