How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
