is your mom at the bar?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
