A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
