i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
